


A Rainbow After The Rain

by tvshipsetc



Category: New Amsterdam (TV 2018)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-05
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:01:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21679423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tvshipsetc/pseuds/tvshipsetc
Summary: Max and Helen navigate loss, together.
Relationships: Helen Sharpe/Luna Goodwin, Max Goodwin & Helen Sharpe, Max Goodwin/Helen Sharpe, Max Goodwin/Luna Goodwin, Sharpwin - Relationship
Comments: 8
Kudos: 99





	1. A Rainbow After The Rain

**Author's Note:**

> Instead of finishing the third chapter of ‘A Small Step To Forever’ I wrote this instead. The idea was in my head and I had to get it out before moving on.

The rain poured down violently in an attempt to drown out the silence between them. The car ride home was difficult and the quietest one they ever had since they had been together. Usually, there was never a paucity of topics to discuss-Luna, patients, health care policies, Bloom’s non existent love life, their in-laws. But this was different. The kind of different you wish you could erase. The kind of moment that could define your entire existence. Years from now, there’d always be a clear delineation. Before this|After this. Forget after. They were living in a moment that neither of them prepared for. And maybe at this point, their minds couldn’t even fathom a time where they’d be living in ‘after this.’ 

His eyes were fixed on the road but his mind was on her. He kept stealing glances at her every so often, when he reached a stop sign or a red traffic light. He didn’t want to probe but he knew that her mind was probably racing a mile a minute. She kept her eyes fixated on the buildings that she’d passed by so many times before. Before this, she would argue that no view was more spectacular than her husband’s. But now, she did anything to avoid looking at him. She didn’t want to feel any of it. She simply wanted to numb the pain and focus on the elated little girl waiting for her at home.

He pulled at the side of the road when he couldn’t take it anymore, only a block away from their home. They did not speak to each other since the doctor’s office and Max knew that they should at least say something to each other, now, in the moment. He just wanted to know what she was thinking and feeling. Except, she was avoiding thinking and feeling anything related to the events of the last few hours. 

“Babe,” he said softly trying to pull her out of her trance.

He wisely decided not to touch her. She didn’t acknowledge him.

“Helen, baby. Would you look at me? Say something. Anything. I just want to know that you’re here with me.”

She still said nothing. He threw his head back against his seat in defeat and frustration, wondering how long she’d shut him out. He knew her. He knew how hard it was for her to open up about her feelings but he felt like this situation would be different. He needed it to be different. But it wasn’t. He didn’t want to push too much because he knew that she was already fragile and one poorly worded sentence could lead them to a place of irreparable brokenness. He bumped the starter and drove to their loft, unsettled in the silence that she seemed to be all too comfortable with.

He’d usually run to her side of the door to open it in a typical act of Max-like chivalry. Before he could remove his seatbelt, she was out of the car and walking toward the elevator connected to the garage. Max was trying not to overthink any of her behavior but instead, mentally resolved to let her be Helen and process this in her own way. The truth is, he wasn’t prepared for how much she’d be ‘Helen.’ As soon as she opened the door, pattering footsteps were heard on the hardwood floors and her face immediately lit up. 

“Is that mummy’s munchkin I see?” she asked with a smile so big that it puzzled Max as he walked in behind her.

“Mummy! I’m your munchkim,” Luna said excitedly seeing her mom for the first time in hours.

Helen hoisted her up, settled her on her hip and began peppering kisses all over her face. Luna’s adorable laugh filled the high ceilings of their loft as the echo ricocheted from one end to the next. Seeing her father creep up behind her, she lunged out of Helen’s arms into Max’s. She liked when he would put her legs around his neck and run around their home. There was no greater feeling for her than being held so high by her dad, seeing the world from a different point of view.

Helen’s face fell watching Max with Luna. She could feel the what ifs and maybes trying to break through the barrier she built on the car ride home. She resisted. Instead, she focused her attention on their babysitter Josie.

“Josie, thank you so much for doing this,” she said warmly as she reached into her purse handing her the cash in exchange for her services.

“Not a problem Mrs. Sharpe-Goodwin. You know how much I love your daughter.” 

Helen’s face was welcoming, but if you knew her well, you could tell that she wasn’t completely herself.

“How was the-”

Before Josie could get the rest of words out of her mouth, Max walked up to them placing his hands around Helen’s waist and dropping a kiss on her neck. Her body stiffened a little, evidence that she was uncomfortable with his PDA. He gave Josie a look that said ‘drop it’ and she certainly got the message that whatever happened was off limits. She thanked them and took that as her cue to leave until the next day.

******

When Helen placed Luna down for her afternoon nap their home fell dead silent. Usually, she and Max would lay on the couch falling into easy conversation or use that time to catch up on their favorite tv shows. Instead, Helen decided that she’d stay in their room to watch television alone. She curled up on the bed watching Keeping up with the Kardashians, laughing loudly at their idiocy. Max never understood what she found so entertaining about the show. As far as he was concerned, it was an absolute waste of time. But this was Helen’s guilty pleasure. There was no rhyme or reason for her being so hooked on it. It did nothing else but distract her. 

Later that night, at the dinner table, Max could still feel the coldness between them. She sat across from him and there were moments where she was completely dazed. She finally thought it was going to happen for them-that Luna would have a baby brother or sister.   
  


_They drove to the doctor’s office and she couldn’t stop talking about all the things she imagined._

_“Babe, could you believe it?” she asked Max excitedly, caressing his leg as he drove._

_“Honestly, I can’t. I know you’ve wanted this for so long.”_

_“I have. There’s no other person I’d want to be the father of my baby than you babe. You’re the best dad to Luna and I have no qualms that you’d be just as great with our little one,” she said rubbing her still flat abdomen._

_Max couldn’t help but smile at the way his wife’s face lit up as she spoke. He was so amazed that she could be so hopeful, considering their history._ _He loved her in a way that words often failed him. He would look at the way she cared for Luna and his heart would flutter and his eyes would fill up with tears. He’d look at the way she managed to stay on top of all Luna’s appointments, run the oncology department and still squeeze in time for their lunch dates at work. Let’s face it, Helen was everything he could dream of in a wife. He didn’t want to do life with anyone else but her. She fit into their lives so seamlessly that if you didn’t know, you’d never imagine that there was a Georgia sized piece missing in the puzzle of his life. A place that Helen now perfectly occupied._

 _Pulling into the car park at the doctor’s office, they squeezed each other’s hands and gave each other a look that said, “We’ve got this.”_ _He hurried to her side of the car, opening the door for her. Before she could get out, he stooped down to give her a kiss. Their lips lingered and she closed her eyes as she tasted his tongue moaning with delight.  
_

_“I don’t know how I got so lucky to have you,” he said bursting with gratitude._

_“I feel the same way every time I look at you.”_

_“Now if you behave there’d be more where that came from once I could get Luna down for her afternoon nap.”_

_Max looked up to the sky with his both hands clasped “God, we don’t talk much. But if you’re real, please let Lu fall asleep when we get home.”_

_Their energy radiated positivity as they walked into their appointment hand in hand. Surprising, considering just how much they had been through to get to that point._ _In the waiting room, Max kept shaking his right leg incessantly-evidence that he was anxious about the visit. Helen was unexpectedly calm considering this was their third attempt at IVF. Max wasn’t sure if it was all a facade. The truth is, she only had one more egg left and their odds were a lot better if this third one actually implanted well and she carried a baby to term. She was busy rummaging through magazines on parenthood, smiling at the little ones with their moms and dads._

 _After what seemed like forever-in reality, it was only five minutes- they were called in by Dr. Cain’s secretary._ _After her transvaginal ultrasound and some blood tests, Helen and Max started to talk about all their wishes and dreams with the hope of passing the time._ _Max sat beside her, squeezing her leg while he spoke. He always had this thing where he needed to feel her present even if he saw her and heard her voice. He’d often sleep with one of his arms draped over her. To know she was there in any moment with him, grounded him and made him believe that they could get through anything._

_Dr. Cain walked back into his office, after her tests, with a look that they’d seen before. Helen was perceptive. She already read his micro expressions and began tearing up. Max’s heart sank immediately reaching to grab his wife’s hand. She held it tightly. It was almost as if she was drawing all her strength from him to be able to brace the blow that was coming their way. Dr. Cain was well aware that they were both doctors. He was aware of how deep Helen’s desire for a biological child was. He’d seen them through disappointment after disappointment. He hated to be the bearer of bad news again but he had to._

_Helen was trying to keep it together. But when she heard those words “Max, Helen, I’m so sorry…..”_ _she couldn’t even help it. She let out a whimper trying to stifle the scream that wanted to surface. Max brought his seat closer to hers and pulled her in so that her head lay on his chest. Dr. Cain sat there watching them agonize over another lost opportunity at a child. Helen said nothing. When Dr. Cain wanted to give them options about their last egg or even suggest where they could go from there, Max lifted his hand and mouthed a few words to him. He excused himself from the room, not even bothering to mention anything about any further appointments._

_Helen was the first one to break their contact. He wiped the tears from her eyes, she reached out to wipe his and they just looked at each other, completely forlorn. They sighed, deeply. She got up, picked up her handbag, pulled her jacket together and walked out of the office straight to their car, never even saying a word._

_******_

Days passed and they fell back into a routine- wake up, have breakfast together, ride to work together, come home together. The major difference was that Helen still refused to speak about anything that happened at the doctor’s office. She would ask his opinion about what to wear for work, still show up to their lunch dates, talk about anything that involved Luna but they didn’t have sex or any intimate conversation about whatever was burdening them. She never initiated an ‘I love you.’ Max would always be the one to say it first and she’d reciprocate but not with the enthusiasm and meaning like she used to. He’d grab her hand or try to kiss her on the lips but she’d let go of him quickly or turn her head so his lips would press against her cheek. She just wasn’t there yet. She wasn’t ready for intimacy of any kind with Max. 

Max was becoming increasingly frustrated avoiding the topic. He didn’t know what to do anymore. He tried giving her space with the hope that she’d come around but she seemed to be on auto pilot. She was either hiding how hurt she was or she just wasn’t hurt all. He knew the latter was untrue. He never saw her cry about it after he held her at the office.

Helen never hid from him since they were married. She was the person who always championed honest, open and real conversations between them. She was the one who suggested couples therapy after they lost Luke and they struggled to cope with their loss. She was the one who would lay on his chest late at nights telling him whatever was on her mind-the good, the bad, and the not so interesting stuff. She let him in. To feel completely disconnected from her was arguably harder than another failed round of IVF. To feel like the one person in the world who would understand the pain he was feeling, was shutting him out, hurt him in ways he couldn’t even describe. He tried talking to Iggy but it just couldn’t fill the Helen sized hole is he had in his heart. He was hurt-about the baby they lost at 20 weeks, the state of their marriage, the now two failed rounds of IVF and the only egg left that they made no decision about. Yet still, he was trying to conceal his pain because he wanted to be strong for her.

******

Weeks later, Max rolled over in bed at 2 a.m. extending his hand to her side of the bed. When his hand hit nothing but a cold sheet, he opened his eyes. He looked at the alarm clock on the side table and realized how late it was. Helen was never one to wake up during the night without a good reason. He tried to brush it off at first, convincing himself that she just went to the bathroom. He tried falling back asleep but she wasn’t there for him to touch. He waited for her but as time passed, he realized that she probably wasn’t coming back to bed. He got up, rubbed his eyes, threw on his bedroom slippers and went in search of her. 

His first stop-Luna’s room. He cracked the door slightly but only saw Luna splayed out on the bed with only her feet covered. He stealthily walked into her room, draped her with the comforter and kissed her before leaving. Passing the kitchen, he saw it in complete darkness. Their office was also empty. After almost searching their entire loft, the only place left was the guest bedroom they turned into a nursery. 

Standing outside the door, he breathed deeply. Luke’s nursery was a part of their loft that no one entered. Their maids weren’t allowed the clean the room. Luna was never allowed to play in it and Max and Helen both resolved, after they lost him at 20 weeks, to never go there until they would bring a baby home. Losing him almost set them on the brink of a divorce. They fought their way back to each other and found the strength to do a third round of IVF treatment. 

Finding the courage to open the door, what he saw shattered him. She was on the floor, her head against the wall, with a grey blanket in her hands. He could see tears trickling down her face in the soft glow of the incandescent night light. He heard her sniffles and staggered breath as she struggled to even it out through her whimpers. When she looked up after he stood at the door, for a minute, she tried to wipe her tears and stand up in an attempt to leave. He wouldn’t let her get pass him. He grabbed her hand, gently, trying to stop her from walking away. 

“Babe, wait. Talk to me,” he said softly. 

She struggled to say, rather unconvincingly, “I’m fine. Let’s just go back to bed.”

“You are not fine. _We_ are not fine. Why won’t you talk to me?” Max asked pleading with her. 

Loosening herself from his grip she started pacing the room. She scoffed and he knew it was coming. The anger she felt and the pain, were about to take center stage. He kept asking for it but he started second guessing in that moment, if he really wanted to have this discussion at 2:15 in the morning. It was too late to retreat and Helen was about to give him what he asked for. 

“You want to know how I feel Max? Hurt. That’s how I feel. I am hurt. I am ruined. Completely.”

He struggled to hear her say those words seeing the truth unveiled in her eyes. He felt helpless to fix it and it went against everything Max-the savior of everything-stood for. 

She continued, “It’s not rocket science. I didn’t need to say that. I’m sure you knew. I couldn’t even talk about it for weeks. I haven’t cried about it since the doctor’s office, until tonight. I can’t stand it when you try to hold my hand because I feel alone in this. I feel like I keep failing at something I want to desperately succeed at. I feel like I am _never_ going to be a mom.”

“But you _are_ a mom-to Luna.” He knew after it escaped his lips that he was wrong for saying that because he knew exactly what she meant. 

She looked at him less than thrilled that he was implying that it should be enough for her. 

“I am her mom Max and I am happy to raise her. But you know me. You know how much I’ve wanted a child since you met me. When we got together it went from just wanting a child, to wanting a child _with_ you-a child _we_ made together. I love Luna like she’s my own but it’s not the same thing Max. It’s hard for me to know what it feels like to hear Luke’s heart beat and to go back to the issue of failing another round of IVF. It’s hard to know what it feels like to watch my belly grow and lose a baby at 20 weeks. It’s hard for me to watch Dr. Cain’s disappointed face for yet another failed round of IVF. It’s hard for me to know we have one more egg left and I don’t know what to do about it. We almost got divorced only a year into our marriage. How much pain could I tolerate? How much rejection could I take? How much loss could I deal with?” Helen was looking straight at him with tears in her eyes. 

Max said tearfully, trying to close the distance between them as he spoke, “Babe, none of this is easy or fair. I never expected it to be. I’ve seen what the hormone shots have done to you. I have seen how dedicated you were taking them on time. I’ve seen how you carved out time and skipped taking so many appointments just so that we could keep up with our doctor visits. I have seen the way you still managed to put Luna first and make sure she was happy even when you were not. And I love you for that. I appreciate you for that. I haven’t been blind to that. I haven’t been blind to you. If I haven’t said thank you enough I am sorry. But you have not been alone in this. Not even for a moment. I have been hurting too. And nothing hurts me more than when you shut me out. It’s always been us, together, against all odds. We’ve had a rough marriage trying to navigate all this loss so early on. But we’ve survived 100% of our worst days. You know how I much I need you. You know that you’ve been my anchor through my cancer, losing Georgia, raising a newborn. That won’t change. I want to be your anchor. I want to hold _you_ down. I want to hold your hand and tell you it’s going to be okay, because it will. I want you to be the Helen I married. The one who would lay her head on my chest and night and tell me whatever she was thinking or feeling. I want you to be the Helen who was never afraid of uncomfortable conversations. I want you to be the Helen who signed us up for couples therapy after losing Luke because you didn’t want us to get divorced. I want you to be the Helen who never gives up. You’re a fighter baby and I refuse to let you give up.”

Barely being able to get the words out through her tears, she said to him, “But I’m not her anymore. I am tired. I don’t know how to fight anymore. I can’t fight anymore. I don’t know what I’ve done to keep landing flat on my face but I don’t have hope anymore.”

“I know you’re tired but I made a promise to you, on our wedding day that I intend to keep.” He recited his wedding vows to her again, reaching for her left hand and twiddling her wedding band between his fingers.

_When you are weak, I’d be strong for you._

_When you cry, I’d dry your tears._

_When you are broken, I’d pick up your pieces and help put you back together._

_Whatever you need, I’d be right there._

_Promise me always that you’d let me hold your hand_

_And I’m sure, that whatever we go through, we’d grow through_

_It’s us, together, against all odds._

I am here. You are not alone. We are in this together. And I will not let you fight alone or hurt alone. I am with you.”

For the first time in weeks, she willingly held on to him and dropped all of her weight on him. He held her up as she cried into his chest another time. She gripped his shirt tightly as if her life depended on it. He held her close as if he was drawing his strength from her touch. They were doing it, together, willing to fight for each other and stand together-against all odds. 

******

To say that everything went back to normal after one conversation would be a lie. Things changed, for the better, but the hurt still remained. They went to couples therapy again trying to repair the cracks in their broken marriage. They worked on communicating better and were slowly finding their way back to each other. Helen started to initiate ‘I love yous’ and eventually she became more confident to initiate sex. Intimacy was taking her rightful place in their relationship again and although nothing was easy, to see each other smile again felt like it was worth it.

Helen threw all her effort into work, Luna and Max. She didn’t entertain any thoughts about a baby in an attempt to not just heal, but find contentment with the reality of her life. The desire for a child with the love of her life never left her but she just didn’t have the strength to obsess about it anymore. If she were honest, she was genuinely scared to put both her and Max through another, and their last round of IVF. She didn’t think they would survive it. When she weighed it on the scales, she wanted Max more than she wanted a baby with him. She wasn’t willing to give him up or the life they built together for a chance at having his child. It just didn’t seem worth it.

Almost two years later, he came home to a candle lit loft. Soft music was playing in the background, their dinner table was set and he could smell the chicken cabonara bubbling on the stove. He started sweating rummaging through his schedule on his phone, silently cursing Dora underneath his breath, to see if he missed a special date. It wasn’t her birthday. It wasn’t Luna’s. Their third wedding anniversary wasn’t until a few months from then. He began overthinking her reason for taking the day off. Helen taking a day off from work was unheard of. She would rather schedule half day appointments before she would miss a full day from work-unless of course there was a good reason. Max questioned her when she told him the night before but she made some excuse about wanting to just have a full day alone with Luna. She was feeling guilty about being so busy in the past few weeks trying to work out staffing issues in her department. He didn’t completely believe her but he dropped the topic before it ruined her mood for sex. 

She turned off the stove and walked towards him with a glass of red wine seeing the concern all over his face. She greeted him with a soft kiss and whispered in his ear, “Stop sweating so much. It’s only Tuesday.”

He laughed at how unbelievably transparent he was and just how good she was at reading his expressions. He raised the glass to his head, taking a swig of his wine in an effort to calm his nerves. He had no idea why he was getting this ‘just because it’s Tuesday dinner’ but he'd be lying if he said he cared too much. He knew how this was going to end and the mere thought of having sex two nights in a row, with his doctor wife who was having a stressful couple of weeks, had him reeling with excitment. 

They sat across from each other and fell into easy conversation about his day at work and her day off. She told him all about Luna’s ballet class, their lunch date, and the project they did for school. He told her how much everyone missed her for the one day she was away from her job. Helen was loved and there was no second guessing that. She was one of the most recognized, published and sought after physicians and New Amsterdam. It baffled Max everyday that he got to come home to her. 

She couldn’t help but laugh at how overly dramatic he was making her absence seem. She loved how terribly over the top he was about his love for her. At the bottom of everything, she knew he missed her more than any of the staff at their job. He just didn’t want to be as outright with it. 

Clearing her throat, she got up from where she was seated and planted herself in his lap so that their bodies were facing each other. His hand settled on her firm behind and he started kissing her, eager to get to his dessert. When she realized that they were moving too fast, she interrupted their kisses to say, “I have a surprise for you. Wait right here.”

She climbed out of his lap and he held on to her hand as she tried to walk away. She made a few steps back toward him whispering in his ear, “You’ve got to let me go if you want to get what I have for you.”

“Why are you such a tease?” he asked, playfully smacking her behind as she walked away. 

He sat there thinking about her coming back out in that black lingerie that barely covered anything, that he liked so much, and he shifted a little in his seat. He had no idea what he did to deserve all this but he couldn’t be happier. This was starting to feel like the early days in their marriage-full of sex, surprises and spontaneous rendezvous.

When she walked back out with the same black silk dress on, his face fell a little. Helen tried hard not to laugh at his disappointment but she knew, in a few minutes, he’d forget all about it. 

She placed a box on the table with a tiny red bow on top. Helen was always an extravagant gift giver and she never spared cost when she gifted him with anything. The box was minute and looked like it could fit jewelry. But he didn’t exactly feel like he needed any. The only thing he ever wore was his wedding band. Realizing he was overthinking the whole thing, she encouraged him, “Babe, just open it.”

He was baffled when he saw a tiny recorder in it. Helen couldn’t stop smiling at him. He picked it up and examined it harder than he did any of his patients. Helen was getting anxious and she couldn’t take his delays.

“Okay, Max. It’s a recorder. Just play it.”

He laughed at her impatience. Finally working up the courage, he pressed play to listen.

Five seconds passed and there was nothing. Then finally, he heard static and a sound like horses galloping on the other end. He looked at her for reassurance to confirm what he was hearing. Then he heard her voice, “I be a big sister!” 

His mouth was agape and the tears instantly flowed. Helen got up from her seat and jumped in his lap and they held on to each other. Pulling away, they looked at each other with tear filled eyes. 

“But how?” were the first words to escape his lips.

“We had hot, steamy sex multiple times in the past few months. That’s how,” she said jokingly while caressing the back of his neck. 

“But we didn’t do the last round of IVF. We weren’t even trying,” Max said still baffled. 

“And is this why you took a day off to spend with Luna? Wait, how far along are you?”

“Ten weeks.”

He looked at the wine glass behind her and back up at her. She knew what he was looking at.

“It’s non alcoholic babe.”

“But is this why you’ve been extra horny lately? And then the other night I draped my hand across you and you winced when I touched your breast. It’s because they were tender, weren’t they? And then you were vomiting a few weeks ago, something you never do, and you told me it was just food poisoning. You were crying watching Keeping with the Kardashians the other day and I did find it weird. You told me you just loved seeing Saint so much. My God. All the signs were there and I missed it. Your belly is still so flat,” he said as he looked down and rubbed it. 

Helen could not help but laugh at the way the realization slowly washed over him. He grabbed her face between his hands and kissed her passionately. When their lips parted, they kept their foreheads together looking at each other in the eyes.

As the news started really settling in, he saw the fear in her eyes-the familiar demon that they battled before with Luke. She didn’t need to say a word. He knew. He reached for her hand and grabbed it saying those familiar words that she carried around engraved inside her wedding band, “it’s us, together, against all odds.”

******

A few months later, Luna and Helen stood on the balcony of their home with the New York City skyline in full view. Pointing at the sky she asked, “Mummy, that?”

“A rainbow.”

“A wainbow?”

“A reminder that at the end of each storm there is something beautiful to look forward to. Whatever it is, doesn’t last forever but good things always come to those who wait.”

Just then, Max walked up behind Helen, wrapping his arms around her enlarged waist placing a kiss on her neck. 

Luna leaned her head against her mom and Helen’s left hand encircled her small frame. Helen’s right hand gripped firmly on to Max’s wrist as she sighed with contentment. 

Storms don’t last forever but in life, there’s always a rainbow after the rain.

  
  


  
  



	2. Halfway There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Helen shares her fears with Max as her 20th week of pregnancy approaches.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started this some time ago and I decided to just finish it and publish it for you guys.

He finally made it home. Home wasn’t the multi million dollar loft they shared on the upper east side of Manhattan, that undoubtedly proved they were in the upper echelon of society. Home-the two and arguably three people who meant the entire world to him, that lived there. He sighed, making one last attempt to throw off the exhaustion and stress of the day that he carried with him when he escaped the hospital and jumped into his car. He didn’t want to burden her. He was aware that she had enough going on already. He was protective and anything he could do to make the rest of their nine month journey easier, he was more than willing to facilitate. 

He smiled, passing their coveted wall of memories filled with black and white photos of him, Helen and Luna. Over the years, there was a space on the wall that constantly bothered Helen. No matter how many times she rearranged the pictures, something almost seemed to be missing. Max hired her favorite photographer to capture some new pictures of them but she still didn’t seem satisfied with placing one of those pictures there. Deep down, Max knew, it wasn’t really about the space or the pictures or the wall. She always felt the absence of another child from their family and subconsciously, she wanted to fill that space on the wall with pictures of another baby. He smiled to himself when he remembered that in a few short months, once fate would allow, they’d fill that empty space. 

He could hear pots and pans clanging as he made his way down the corridor to their kitchen, and he knew it had to be her. He silently chuckled because he convinced himself if she was cooking this late, she was trying to get her mind off of something. He stood, leaning up against a wall, watching her concentrate as she meticulously cut up the carrots so perfectly that you’d think a machine aided her. Her skin was glowing. You know, the typical pregnancy glow that most women have. He’d argue though, that hers was the most beautiful one he had ever seen. Max jumped at every opportunity to exaggerate anything about Helen’s good characteristics. It’s not that he was blind to her flaws at all but he was just unable to stay silent about how lucky he was to be with someone so great. After all, she was his entire world. A right she had earned, given their rocky past. 

“How long are you going to stand there and stalk me?” she asked, unable to hold back the smile that formed at the corner of her lips.

“How long are you going to stay so beautiful that I can’t take my eyes off of you?” he asked as he walked toward her.

“Seriously? You’re so cheesy,” she replied smirking at him.

“I made you smile though,” he said as a matter of fact. 

“Point taken.” She couldn’t even argue. 

He walked up behind her, encircled his hands around her growing bump, and dropped a kiss on her neck. He relaxed at the scent of her vanilla lotion. 

“Good night babe,” he said barely above a whisper, his stressful day long forgotten just being close to her. 

“Good night babe. You know my lips aren’t pregnant. You can still kiss them.”

“Sorry,” he said smiling as he thought about how much her sass went up a few notches in the past few months. He couldn’t say that he hated it though. There was something so erotic about her always speaking her mind and jumping at the chance to put him in place. 

He turned her in his arms, her back leaning against the counter, and planted a soft kiss on her lips, lingering for a moment to take it all in. He smiled when he tasted her strawberry chapstick. The taste reminded him of home- the only place he wanted to be. He had this constant weight that he carried around, its heaviness reminding him to be present in every moment because tomorrow is never promised. The only thing he could be certain about, was that he loved his wife, their daughter and their unborn child. He never wanted to miss a moment to tell them how much he loved them and show them that he appreciated them. 

He scanned her face while a million thoughts were circulating through his mind. There was so much he wanted to say to her but all that came out was, “You know I love you right?” with sweet sincerity.

She furrowed her brows, flummoxed at his question. There was nothing-in the years they had been married-that he ever did that made her doubt that he really did. Their marriage was far from perfect and they had days where they had to decide to love each other when instead of sunshine and roses, they had storms and weeds. She didn’t want to overthink his question. But maybe, she just needed to hear him remind her that he did. It’s not that his ‘I love yous’ were infrequent but the feelings that were silently eating away at her, needed his affirmation that he really did love her and she wasn’t alone.

She gave him a faint smile, trying to keep her emotions at bay, and replied, “I never once doubted that you did babe. I love you too.”

He placed a soft peck on her lips, their foreheads joined together and lingered for a moment. His hands found her belly and in that moment, the silence between them was never more uncomfortable. She kept looking at him, trying to read his microexpressions. He hid his thoughts well. He looked at her and he could tell that she was hiding something from him. Eventually, he broke off and said, “I’m just going to take a shower. I’d be back soon.”

“Sure. I’d meet you in bed.” 

As if nothing just happened, he said, “By the way, this pregnancy thing looks so good on you,” taking her in one last time before attempting to walk away. 

“You really want it, huh?” she asked, shaking her head at him.

“If I did, you’d know. I’m tired anyway.”

“So what you’re saying is, if I were to do that thing you like so much that you’d literally refuse me?” she squinted at him

“Now I didn’t say that. Did I?” Max joked, unwilling to refuse sex if Helen offered him. 

“Sometimes I don’t know what to do with you,” she chuckled, as he tried to recant his sentiments about being tired.

“I have a few ideas,” he said playfully winking at her.

“Go bathe! You’re distracting me and I need to finish prepping this meal,” she dismissed, as she waved her hands to run him off. 

As the warm water drenched his skin, he could feel his tense muscles relax. He was carrying so much around-cares he wished he didn’t have. Things he wanted to tell her to keep the lines of communication open, he held inside, just because he wanted to make this time different for her. Work was crazy in the last few weeks. Everyone kept bombarding him with their departmental issues, and though she’d never complain, he knew that she must have been less than thrilled that he had been missing so many of their family dinners. He was spewing out apologies so much that it almost felt insincere leaving his lips. He was drained and he just wanted time with his wife. Time to enjoy the random conversations they’d have that would start off about Luna’s shenanigans and then somehow take a vulnerable turn where they’d openly share all the things that were weighing them down. He knew she must have been feeling so many things over the last few weeks but it just never felt like the right time when he constantly wore his exhaustion on his face.

He got out of the shower, wrapped the white towel over his midsection and made his way to their bedroom to slip into his boxers. He was startled by her presence at their dresser, as she rubbed her lotion to prevent stretch marks on her growing belly. He smiled at how much concentration she had inspecting herself in the mirror. 

“I can’t believe how big you’ve gotten,” he said, genuinely surprised as though he didn’t have a daily view of her belly. 

“I know. It’s crazy, right? We’re almost halfway there.” She walked over to their bed to lay down. 

He missed the way her face fell when she said it. He was focused on putting on his clothes. She tried to change the topic. She wanted to tell him what she was feeling but something kept telling her that she should just spare him. He didn’t need to worry about her. He had enough going on with work already.

“Lu’s been getting really clingy lately,” she said. 

“Yea, how so? Hasn’t she always been attached to you?”

“I don’t know. She had her bath today and when it was time to put her to bed, she physically wanted to lay on top of me to fall asleep. She’s never done that before. I always lay with her and as long as we cuddle, she’d fall asleep. I tried to tell her that I couldn’t because I’ve been feeling so uncomfortable lately carrying the extra weight, but she had a full on meltdown. Next thing I know, I was crying because I felt like I was being a terrible mom. And my hormones had me so messed up that I couldn’t even control myself. Honestly, I think I scared her with my hysterics. It all sounds laughable now escaping my lips but could you imagine the drama of both of us crying?”

“I could actually,” he teased. 

She threw a pillow at him from her side of the bed. 

“I hate that I’m missing so many things,” his voice was low and sincere. 

She could see that it was bothering him. 

“I know the hospital needs you.” 

It was true that the hospital needed him but that didn’t change the way she sometimes felt. As a doctor, she completely understood his absence. She knew how even with the best intentions and time management, he could get caught up in saving everyone and fixing their problems. As a wife, it was still hard for her to be without him, especially now. 

“But I _need_ you. I miss you,” he argued, feeling guilty. 

“I’m right here,” she insisted, as she tried to make him believe that she was okay with his absence.

“I’m going to take some time off. I’ve been too busy lately and I feel like we’re not connecting like we used to.”

She was surprised at his admission. She secretly loved that he wanted to be closer to her. The distance between them was becoming too much for him and truthfully, she was struggling with it herself. They’d been around this way before, shutting each other out. It was often a point of contention for them. They always had this remarkable need to be strong for the other person without realizing that they were better, together. She’d feel things but brush it off. He’d think things but decide that he didn’t need to burden her. 

He wrapped her in his arms as they both lay in bed, comfortable in the silence. It kind of hit him from nowhere really, when she rubbed her belly and sighed. He did the math, and realized what tomorrow would be.

“Babe,” he said softly.

“Yea?”

“You know that you cook late when something is bothering you. You did that tonight. What’s bothering you?”

“Nothing,” she said, trying to convince herself more than him.

“Listen, we’ve been together too long for you to expect me to believe that. It’s not just that Luna thing you told me about. I know you. Something else is wrong.” 

It’s not that he hadn’t yet figured it out. He wanted her to tell him, in her own words, what was really bothering her. She squirmed her way out of his hands and sat up in their bed, turning her face to look at him.

She was contemplating and almost sizing him up to see if he really could deal with this at 10 o’clock. She started to overthink the whole thing. He reached for her hand and searched her eyes back and forth almost beckoning her, with one look, to just open up. 

“I’m scared,” was all that escaped her lips before the tears began rolling down her face. Instantly he took the pad of his thumbs to wipe away her tears neglecting the ones that were falling from his eyes. He always had to put her first. They understood what those words meant and the weight that once felt too heavy to bear alone, felt lighter when they shared it with each other. 

******

_She excitedly watched herself in the mirror as she shimmied her way into her dress. She still hadn’t gotten the time to buy any maternity clothes so she was taking full advantage of the looser clothing in her closet. She could hardly believe that she had life growing inside of her. Even before she met Max, it was a dream of hers to become a mother. Having the opportunity to legally adopt Luna felt like a dream fulfilled. But to experience the journey of pregnancy and childbirth with the person she loved more than anyone else, was something she didn’t even feel like she deserved. So many disappointments led them to this place, but to have an egg fertilized and successfully implanted, was nothing short of a miracle._

_“Helen, we’re going to be late,” Max shouted from the kitchen. He was trying to pack Luna’s lunch box while scurrying to drink his coffee at the same time. Luna, only eighteen months old, was going to daycare at least twice a week so she could learn to interact with other children. They didn’t want her to grow up too sheltered or spoilt. She needed to have a grasp of the real world, even at a young age._

_When ten minutes passed and he heard no steps toward their front door, he went to their bedroom to see what was wrong. He found her on the floor in a pool of blood, holding her belly, barely able to speak._

_He’d never forget the look on her face in the hospital bed when she woke up. He’d never forget the way she violently sobbed holding her still visible bump, with no life inside of it, unwilling to let go of Luke. Up until that point, they thought they had been through the worst together. But everything about that miscarriage felt like the most pain they had ever felt as individuals and together. Their inability to process their own pain only caused them to hurt each other in ways that are beyond description. At times, Max didn’t know who he married and Helen didn’t even understand why she was still with him. Most days, they had to decide to love each other when they didn’t like each other. When the healing came, and thankfully it did, it didn’t erase the memories. It didn’t erase the worries that constantly loomed over them even when they decided to try again after losing Luke. All it did was give them enough courage to try again._

******

“I know,” Max said softly. 

She held onto his hand tightly, before she said her next few words. She needed the strength to be able to tell him the whole truth and not dance around her feelings. She didn’t need to protect him from her fears, especially when he probably had the same ones that she did.

“I’m scared to lose this baby. And there is this voice inside my head that keeps telling me that if I lose this child, I’d lose us. I-I” she struggled to speak as the sadness tried to suffocate her. 

“I just don’t know if we could survive another heartbreak.”

Max’s heart broke hearing those words escape his wife’s lips. He hadn’t even entertained the thought of them getting divorced. The months following losing Luke set them so far apart that bridging the distance between them felt impossible. He’d never forget the pain he felt sitting on the couch at the therapist’s office when the topic of divorce came up. There was always a certainty inside of him, even when their marriage was at its worst, that they’d always find their way back to each other. It’s not that he believed Helen wanted to give up on them. More than anything, she wanted to fight. But there was a palpable fear reminding her of what almost happened after they lost Luke. She just wasn’t sure how much loss their marriage could withstand.

He locked eyes with hers, and his voice was tender, “Babe, you are _not_ losing this baby. _We_ are _not_ losing this baby. I’m not even going to consider any of the alternatives. You’ve had a healthy pregnancy so far. Your last ultrasound was great. And God forbid something unforeseen happens, just know that as much as I want to have this baby with you, I want you more. I need you more. You’d still be my Helen. You’d still be the person I want by my side on my best and worst days. When I said I loved you, I meant it. I know that losing him wasn’t easy for either of us but we made it.” 

He touched her belly, lowering his head to her bump and whispered, “I’d like to think that this little one was meant for us. This is our rainbow baby. We didn’t try to bring them here. They came all on their own.”

You would think, by the way he spoke, that his reservations didn’t exist. But the last thing he wanted to do was add his fears to hers. Someone had to be strong and he wanted to be that person. He didn’t want her to spend the next twenty weeks worried about something that they’d never have to face. He wanted her to enjoy pregnancy because regret was one of the hardest things to live with. He knew the feeling all too well. He was so preoccupied with his cancer and the hospital that he never fully enjoyed Georgia’s pregnancy.

Unknowingly though, he was doing it again. His job always felt like the crutch he could use when he didn’t want to face the reality of his fears. It’d be the one thing, other than Helen, that could keep him grounded when everything else around him felt like quicksand. While he had something to constantly occupy his thoughts, Helen didn’t. She was home more than he was and threw most of her energy into caring for Luna after school or cooking a ridiculous amount of food that he was hardly ever around to eat. Once Luna fell asleep, and the house was still, just before he came home, that’s when she struggled the most. That’s when she’d have to fight the hardest to remember the truth, that things would be okay, as the worries flooded her mind.

Coming to his senses, he asked her one of the most difficult questions he ever had to.

“Do you feel alone?” 

The moment she heard it, tears were spilling down her face again. She hated that she had to admit it. She didn’t want to pressure him. She didn’t want him to feel like he needed to press pause on everything else because she was feeling like her worries about the pregnancy were sucking the joy out of her. But she couldn’t lie. He knew her too well.

“Sometimes.”

“What do you need?” he asked sincerely, as if he was ready to move heaven and earth for her. 

It’s crazy that he was asking that but it was proof of how much he had grown in their relationship. So much of their relationship had been one sided. Helen had been so used to being the giver and Max was so used to receiving that they’d helplessly fall into those roles. She’d give. He’d take. Then she’d get frustrated when he didn’t reciprocate especially at the times she needed him most. But it was clear, he was learning. Learning to never assume what she needed. Learning to never give her what he wanted to but what she actually needed.

She smirked at him laughing at her thoughts.

“You.”

The answer was simple. It had always been. He was her person and she just wanted to know that he was all in at all times. Though his words were sincere, she needed his actions too. She was strong on her own but there was something about adding his resilience to hers that made her feel like she could move mountains. 

He pulled her in, as his arms encircled her small frame. She put her head on his chest and be dropped a kiss on her forehead as he said, “Then you have me.”

He was determined to not repeat his mistakes now. He was going to make time for the most important people in the world to him. He wasn’t going to drown himself in other people’s problems while his wife and child were at home waiting for him. He was going to make every effort to be present-physically, emotionally and mentally. She deserved it. Their unborn child deserved it. He had to do it right this time. One thing was certain, life was hard, but even harder if you had to do it alone. He didn’t and he’d be damned if his wife even had to think or worse yet, feel like she did.

  
  



	3. The Finish Line

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Max and Helen welcome their baby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every time I think I’m done with this story I write another chapter. I’m done. For real this time.

The past twenty weeks were nothing short of a rollercoaster and at times, they both wanted to jump off so their feet could be steady on the ground once more. In those moments, they constantly remembered that the pay off would be worth it. Seeing their baby, holding them and being able to see that connection they felt from the womb become materialized, would be worth it.

Helen was better once her twenty week scans came back with the results Max already seemed to be so sure of- everything was okay. It was always going to be. The only thing that was not okay, was the sonographer accidentally telling them they’d be having a boy. Max could never forget the look on her face. It went from disappointment that they were no longer going to be surprised about it to tears of joy. No one would ever replace Luke and they both knew that, but to be given another chance to give Luna a brother and Max a little mini-me was nothing short of a miracle. That’s what he was, their miracle. 

It’s so easy sometimes to live life blind to the miracles we encounter daily, but this pregnancy caused Max to have a heightened awareness of just how much he was blessed. He was aware that his breath was living proof that miracles happen. Every time he held Luna he believed it too. Her birth was even more traumatic than his cancer. But when he looked at Helen, everything seemed to come full circle.

There’d be those days where she’d be doing something like struggling to pick up Luna’s toys to put them in the storage bin or rubbing lotion on her skin and he’d just stop and stare at her, completely losing focus on whatever was begging for his attention at the time. Sometimes, he literally stopped breathing and only when his hypoxic drive seemed to kick in, then he’d have to take a deep breath.

She was his miracle. She was the one that he could literally define his entire existence by. He didn’t want to think about what his life would be like if he hadn’t met her. He didn’t want to even imagine his current life sans Helen Sharpe-Goodwin. She was his greatest miracle because the truth is, without her, he wouldn’t even be around. Without her, Luna wouldn’t have her dad and maybe she wouldn’t have made it altogether. Who knows? Helen was indisputably one of the best things to happen to him and he never wanted to imagine losing her in any way, shape or form.

******

Their due date was soon approaching and she was at the stage where she was waddling around the house so much that everytime he caught a glimpse of her he’d smile to himself. She used to be so agile running from place to place without a care in the world. Now she had to decide if drinking so much water was worth it, since she’d have to do full on acrobatics to make it out of bed to the bathroom, and then struggle to sleep for at least another hour because she already lost the position that made her the most comfortable.

That’s one of the reasons why he knew she’d hate his surprise. Weeks ago, Lauren conspired with her mom to throw her a baby shower. There was no way they couldn’t when they knew how much they had been through to have this baby. Their new son deserved to be celebrated and so did Helen. She had been so strong the entire time weathering so many internal storms but still managing to make a turn around and enjoy the rest of the journey. 

Certainly, they should have done it sooner. Helen shouldn’t even be out of the house this late in pregnancy unless it was absolutely necessary but there was no way they were going to do it without Helen’s mom. Katherine was trying for weeks to make it to New York but something always kept coming up. Helen started to become more despondent as time went on that her mom would actually make it to the birth of her second grandchild. In her mind, Luna belonged to Helen and by default, Luna was her grandchild. 

“Babe, my feet hurt. Do we really need to do this dinner tonight?” she asked as they walked up to the building. He was taking her to their favorite spot, an Italian restaurant where they had their first date, where he proposed and now where they’d celebrate their baby. Max was always so thoughtful that way-bringing everything full circle.

“We do. This is the last thing we need to do before Leonardo gets here,” he said, knowing he’d get a reaction out of her.

“We are not naming this child Leonardo and you know that,” she said glaring at him.

Naming their baby had been something they’d been going back and forth with for weeks. It was the one thing during this entire process that they could never seem to settle on. Helen told him that his name had to start with L. For some reason, she wanted to keep the tradition going with Luna, Luke and L---, whatever his name would be. Practically every day since the gender was known to them, they’d discuss his name before going to bed. Max honestly was just saying things at random at one point, hoping something would stick. When he suggested Livingston, he got a pillow thrown at him that night and no good night kiss. She was not having it. There was no way in hell, well earth really, Helen was going through nine long months carrying his big headed baby to hold him in her arms and say, “Livingston.” 

At one point, she mentioned London as sort of an homage to where she came from but he just didn’t think it fit them. He couldn’t possibly imagine a child with his good looks, his vivacity and his charm being a “London.” Finally, they settled on one of two names. Helen had some grand idea that not only should his name start with L, but it should also have four letters, just like his sister’s and angel brother. Max didn’t put up a fight. He was all in. It didn’t even surprise him that she would put that much thought into naming their son. It was a Helen thing to do. She was never not thinking and coming up with the most meaningful ways to keep some sort of tradition alive with them. Levi or Liam. That’s what they settled on. In her heart, she had a favorite and maybe he did too. But they’d decide when they saw him for the first time.

******

He dropped a kiss on her head and said, “I know babe but I just love seeing you all hot and bothered. I’m going to miss you being pregnant,” he was genuinely so grateful that they made it to this point. 

“I won’t. I’m so ready to see him. I don’t know when he’d come out of there,” she said looking down at her visibly enlarged belly.

Suddenly, Helen felt a tug on her hand. Looking down she saw Luna look up at her as she said,“Mummy, hungry.” Luna was over it. They were taking too long to get to the restaurant. 

“Your child is over us,” Helen said to Max laughing. 

“How is she my child all of a sudden? When she’s well behaved she’s your mini-me. The moment she does something out of pocket, she belongs to me,” he said jokingly. 

His comment earned such a genuine laugh out of Helen that she cupped her belly with one hand. It wasn’t just the laugh, she felt it again but brushed it off. She couldn’t even argue with what he was saying. Proving her point, Luna let go of her hand and held on to her dad’s watching him with puppy dog eyes-his puppy dog eyes. 

He couldn’t even disown her if he wanted to. So much of who she was, was Max Goodwin. Her constant need for attention and her defiance but most of all, her love for Helen. She was just as in love with Helen as her dad. As far as her little mind could understand, she had two mummies-one in heaven and one on earth and that made her the luckiest child on the planet. That’s the way they explained it to her.

He lifted her up, dropping a kiss on her cheek and said, “As soon as we get in, I’d order something for you, okay?”

“Okay,” she said, shaking her head in approval. 

As he balanced holding Luna, he also tried to open the door so Helen could walk in first. 

Before Helen could turn around to ask him why the restaurant was so dark, all she heard was “Surprise!” Her mouth was open in horror when she felt liquid trickling down her leg as she scanned the room looking at everyone she loved. 

******

Earlier that evening she started feeling uncomfortable. She could feel the pressure in her pelvis and nothing she seemed to do would stop her back from hurting. She initially thought it was because she slept so terribly during the day. It still didn’t feel like anything out of the ordinary until she felt pain when her belly stiffened. She ignored it when she realized that it passed within a few seconds. She thought that maybe it was Braxton Hicks contractions again. 

She started having them as soon as she was in the third trimester. She’d never forget that day she experienced her first one and called Max while he was in the middle of a board meeting. For someone who had a pregnant spouse before, he seemed to be more off the rails than Helen. Actually, it made sense, he didn’t want to have a replay of Georgia’s traumatic labor with Helen. He called their housekeeper Josie, who drove Helen to the hospital, every five minutes for an update as if she was in labour. At one point Helen had to tell him to calm down because he was only making her more concerned than she already was. The way she handled that situation only proved to him that she had genuinely found more peace with the entire process. She wasn’t scared anymore. 

Dr. Yang, their obstetrician, took her time to reassure them that everything was okay and that it was a normal part of pregnancy. She explained that Braxton Hicks contractions was her uterus preparing itself for real labor and that she was more likely to experience it if her bladder was full, she was dehydrated or she just had sex. She’d never forget the look on Max’s face when she said that maybe they needed to lay off the sex a bit. The way he pouted his lips and looked at her with pleading eyes, as he thought he’d have to go weeks without being physically intimate with her had Helen laughing, unable to keep up with her fake seriousness. He was barely able to keep his hands off of her during the entire pregnancy save for the moments where he was dog tired after work or she just wasn’t in the mood. The latter was a rare occasion. 

Remembering that, she drank water when she felt it earlier that evening, and threw it off her mind and got ready to go to their dinner. She felt it in the car but said nothing. She felt it when she laughed at his joke and cupped her belly. As the warm liquid trickled down her leg she knew instantly, it wasn’t just Braxton Hicks, she was in labor. 

******

His birth was unlike everything he experienced before. It was a stark contrast to the chaos and horror surrounding Luna’s birth. Calm. That’s the one word to describe everything about bringing their child into the world. Unknown to Helen, many nights Max would walk into Luke’s nursery and sit, asking their guardian angel to help his mummy bring his baby brother into the world without any complications. They had been through enough. He had been through enough. The last thing he wanted to do was mar the happiness of another birthday with thoughts of another tragedy. He didn’t want to think about how he'd be able to handle anything happening to either one of them. 

Max would never forget the way Helen seemed to handle everything with ease. When the contractions came, he’d get behind her, just as he learnt in Lamaze class, as she dropped her head on his shoulder and they’d rock side to side as he propped her up while she breathed. At one point it was so intense that the only comfortable position for her was getting on all fours as he massaged her back repeatedly. The connection they had during delivery was unlike anything they ever experienced before. He could anticipate her needs and would give her just what she needed. He was never so present as he was in that moment. If nothing proved they belonged together, seeing her gracefully endure so much physical pain solidified that for Max. 

When it was time to push, he grabbed her hand, and leaned his face against her sweaty forehead as he coached her to just breathe. He was honest to God surprised she didn’t curse him out when his head crowned and the pain intensified. Instead of screaming, she put all her energy into pushing him out. At one point, Max was more of a mess than Helen, in awe at how much of a superwoman his wife was to do the entire thing unmedicated and not complain once during the process. After ten hours in labor, their seven pound, ten ounce baby boy came kicking and screaming into the world on October 20th.

When Dr. Yang placed the screaming boy covered in vernix on Helen’s belly while she made quick work of cutting the umbilical cord, Helen broke down. Max was too emotional to see straight to cut the cord himself. The fact that they even had a healthy baby boy was a miracle. Max held her face while she cried into his shoulder, her stream of tears drenching his shirt. She could barely get any words out but their tears spoke a language that only they could understand. They finally made it. Every IVF round that failed, losing Luke and even bringing their marriage back from the brink of divorce led them to this place. 

After the pediatrician gave the all clear, a midwife brought their swaddled baby boy to them. 

“Here’s your mummy,” she said as she handed the fussy baby over to Helen. 

Max helped her undo her hospital gown, exposing her chest so she and the baby could have skin to skin contact. She removed his blanket and held him against her, right where her heart was. The moment he felt the warmth of her skin, his cries started to lull and he began curling his body in her arms. He knew where his home was and his mom’s arms was the safest place he could be.

She looked up at Max with tears in her eyes.

“We made a baby,” she said fighting to say words while the unrelenting tears escaped the security of her eyelids.

He kissed her forehead. “We definitely made a baby, babe. I’m so proud of you,” he said, stealing another kiss because one was never enough. 

She closed her eyes taking a deep breath in an attempt to take it all in. 

The baby refused to open his eyes as the sun peered through the hospital window.

“He’s literally just like you. He’s not a morning person,” Max said as he held his tiny hands in his. 

Helen laughed because she knew it was true. Mornings were not her thing. The moment Max’s eyes flew open he’d be ready to go. She needed to lay in bed for an additional twenty minutes after her fifth alarm would go off. 

“I can’t tell who he looks like-me or you.”

“I’d say he’s the best of both of us,” Max said, earning a smile from her as he kissed her lips.

She was quiet, scanning the baby’s face up and down. Max knew exactly what she was thinking.

They both turned to each other at the same time and said in unison, “Liam.”

They laughed realizing how easy it was to agree on a name once he was here. 

“Our strong willed warrior,” Helen said as she placed a kiss on Liam’s head.

“Gosh, I think we’re going to regret that name when he teams up with his sister against us,” Max quipped.

“Do you see their parents? We’re literally a family of people who like having their own way,” Helen said as a matter of fact. 

Max couldn’t even argue. He knew it was true. Helen’s stubbornness was such a turn on for him and he often used his charm to get what he wanted when she was at peak frustration. After the shock of their pregnancy, he did the math and realized that Liam was conceived after a heated argument they had over some hospital drama. He’d never tell her that sometimes he liked picking little, meangingless fights so they could have make up sex. The name definitely suited their child.

“I love you and thank you for giving me my other miracle,” Max said as he stroked Liam’s dark brown hair. 

“I love you too,” she said, closing the distance between them to kiss him again.

******

Luna entered the room, holding on to her grandma Katherine’s hand. She was hiding behind her grandma’s leg taking in the scene before her. Helen was nursing Liam while Max sat in a chair beside her looking on. When they saw Luna, Max immediately got up and went to her by the door. 

“Lu, you missed daddy?”

She simply shook her head, not wanting to say anything.

Helen immediately became worried that her fears were coming true. After the incident when Helen was around twenty weeks and she wanted to lay on to of her to fall asleep, things never let up. Luna started having this attachment to her like she never experienced before. They were close and the bond they had was unbreakable. But things were getting to a point where Max couldn’t even calm Luna down. Everything was mummy. 

There were mornings where they’d try to leave for work and Luna would have a meltdown when Helen wanted to kiss her and walk out the door. For weeks she wanted to sleep with them in their bed because she wouldn’t stay asleep if she woke up in the night and Helen wasn’t with her. Helen tried her best to make her feel loved but if she saw anything baby related she’d throw a tantrum. Max was over it and so many times he was ready to discipline her. Helen had a soft spot for her and tried to reassure him that she’d come around. As her due date approached and nothing seemed to change for the better, Helen started doubting if Luna would really accept her baby brother.

“Lu, baby. Mummy’s right here,” Helen said, tearing up watching the sadness on Luna’s face. 

“Mummy can’t get off the bed. You want to come to mummy?” Helen asked, hoping for a response from Luna.

She nodded, extending her arms to Max to lift her up.

Helen made room on the bed next to her as she signaled to Max to put her down. 

Luna kept looking at the baby and back up at Helen. The sadness in her eyes had Helen breaking into a million little pieces. She wasn’t sure how she’d navigate this but she needed to come up with something and fast. She was silently praying Luna would warm up. 

“Mummy missed you so much,” Helen said, pulling her into her free arm. Her other arm was cradling Liam who was still securely latched to her breast. 

“You missed me?” 

Luna nodded indicating that she did.

“How much?” Helen asked. 

It was a game they often played. When Luna was acting jealous, Helen would often reassure her that every time they were apart she was missing her. It always seemed to do the trick. She was hoping it won’t fail her this time.

“This much?” Helen gestured, holding her index and thumb finger a small space apart.

“No,” Luna finally said, uttering her first words since she came.

Helen gasped pretending to be surprised. She knew it could never be that little. 

“This much?” Helen gestured, holding her fingers a little further apart. 

“More mummy,” Luna said giving in a little more.

“Does mummy’s favorite girl in the whole wide world want to show mummy just how much she missed her?”

Helen’s question earned a laugh from Luna who was getting a little warmer. 

“I’m your munchkim mummy!” Luna said. She didn’t know how to say the word with an ‘n.’

“Show mummy how much munchkin.”

Luna extended her arms as wide as she could with a big grin on her face to show Helen just how much she missed her. 

Helen pulled her close to her chest, dropping a kiss on her forehead to show her just how she missed her too.

“Mummy has someone for you to meet,” she whispered to her.

“Boy.”

“Yes, it’s a boy! This is your brother Liam,” Helen said looking down at the sweet little boy in her arms.

“Wee-am,” Luna said, unable to properly pronounce her brother’s name. 

She leaned over Helen, and dropped a kiss on her brother’s tiny head causing him to open his eyes for the first time.

The moment his brown met her blues Luna smiled, unable to contain her joy that she had a baby brother. Helen started tearing up seeing her warm up to him. Everything about Liam’s entrance into the world was turning out to be surreal and Helen wasn’t sure she had anymore tears left. As Liam finished eating, Helen adjusted her top, handing him over to his grandma so she could have a proper view of him for the first time. 

Katherine was a simple lady and she knew just how much Helen and Max had been through to get to this moment. She wasn’t there when Luna was born but the love she had for her first grandchild was unmatched. Besides Helen, Max or Josie, the only person Luna would willingly spend any time with was her grandma. Maybe Katherine’s embrace felt similar to Helen’s and reminded Luna of one of the persons she loved the most. Helen and Max didn’t try too hard to understand it. They just appreciated her presence in their lives and the fact that she flew across an entire ocean to be with them.

Luna was so engrossed in the baby that she left Helen’s side the moment Katherine took him. She followed her across the room and stood beside her as her grandma rocked Liam back and forth, putting him to sleep. For someone with one child, Katherine seemed like she had years worth of experience with babies. 

As Helen looked on, Max came beside her. 

“Thank God it worked out,” he said completely relieved that Luna has warmed up to Liam.

“She’s going to be so protective of him,” Helen responded, in awe at their connection already.

“Yea, that’s until she fights him for her toys,” Max said laughing at the image he had in his mind of his two strong willed children going back and forth.

“Life will never be the same and I don’t ever want it to be,” Helen said confidently.

“Oh, Luna has a present for you,” Max said changing the subject. 

“Lu, do you remember that thing we made for mummy. You want to show mummy it?” 

Katherine closed her eyes realizing that she completely forgot to let Luna wear it. Max told Helen to close her eyes as he dressed Luna in a cute T-shirt. He placed Luna in front of Helen’s bed before asking her to open her eyes. She was fine when she read Luna’s T-Shirt. It was the adorable onesie in her hand that had Helen crying so much that she couldn’t even control herself. 

_Luna’s T-Shirt: Liam’s big sister_

_The Onesie: Luna and Luke’s little brother_

Luna instantly started crying thinking she did something wrong to make her mum so upset. Max finally realized just how crazy it was having Helen and Luna crying at the same time. He finally understood how that day went. 

He didn’t know who's aid to come to first. He settled on Luna, trying to pacify her that everything was okay and she did nothing wrong. She didn’t believe him. As far as she was concerned, Helen saw the T-shirt and onesie and was sad because of it. Luna had never been able to see Helen upset in any way and that’s why Helen had to try so hard to be “normal” after they lost Luke. She often cried in the bathroom or the rare moments she’d be alone, in an attempt to process her pain. Luna couldn’t understand how she saw her belly grow and they had no baby and it was hard to explain to her. The only thing she understood was that her other mummy and Luke were in the same place. Luke had two mummies, just like her, making him one of the happiest kids ever.

When Helen finally settled, she asked Luna to come sit next to her. Luna was still crying, feeling as though Helen was about to scold her. Helen took the pad of her thumbs to wipe her tears and cupped her little face in her hands.

“Mummy is not mad at you. Mummy is happy, really happy. Sometimes when people cry they are happy. They’re not always sad. Thank you for giving your brother such a pretty gift. It means the world to me. I’m sure Luke likes it.”

Helen pulled her in for a hug and Luna snuggled herself in her arms. Scanning the room, she thought there was a time when all of this was a dream. She had been dreaming of a family of her own for years. To hold Luna in her arms, to see Liam sleeping soundly in her mom’s, to see Max standing beside her with the proudest look on his face as he smiled from ear to ear, she knew, everything was worth it.

******

Liam was now a month old and his personality seemed to be shining through. Helen and Max were desperately trying to get him on a schedule but they were failing miserably. He wanted to feed every two hours and although Max wanted to help, Liam refused to take a bottle even if it contained his mother’s breast milk. Some nights, when she was so out of it, Max would have to remove Liam off of her because she was knocked out cold feeding him. It was exhausting and there never seemed to be an end to the chaos in their house. 

Luna’s attachment to Helen didn’t change. The only difference was that she was just as attached to her baby brother. She wanted to change his nappies, help bathe him and even feed him. She just couldn’t understand that she didn’t have any milk in her not yet developed breasts. Helen would never forget the day she caught her leaning into Liam’s rocker when he was crying, trying to feed him. She and Max laughed about it for weeks. Their daughter was such a momma bear and she was only four years old. 

Max was trying to make it work, dividing his time between the hospital and his family. He was so much better at fatherhood this time around. He was more present and not caught up in a haze of grief. He listened more, he showed up more and he prioritized his family more. Liam changed him. Sometimes he had to pinch himself to be convinced that this was his life. He had been through so much tragedy that he couldn’t even believe that happiness like this was possible. 

When he’d hold his son while he was screaming at the top of his lungs when Helen needed to rest, he’d be in awe at how easily he would calm down hearing the same songs he sang to him in utero. They had an undeniable connection and he knew in many ways that Liam needed him just as much as he needed Helen. It wasn’t just the fact Liam had his nose or his ears or as he tried to convince Helen, even his smile. She couldn’t stop laughing at him trying to make such a compelling argument that their one month old, toothless child smiled just like him. 

Liam represented more for him. Liam was his evidence that rainbows can really come after the rain. There were so many times in life he thought he’d drown. There were so many times he believed he was at the end of himself. When having cancer was a burden he thought he’d have to bear alone, he found Helen. When he thought he’d die, he got Luna. When they struggled to recover from losing Luke and another failed round of IVF, they got Liam. Life was always trying to give him something better than he could have ever imagined.

He knew there was nothing he did to deserve it, but passing that wall of photos everyday was his reminder. Helen filled the space in the wall with a colored picture of Liam and a picture of all four of them. She was right all along. Something was missing. Liam was. The picture she chose was imperfect- just like they were. Luna was on top of Max’s head kissing his perfectly coiffed hair. Liam was content feeding while Helen and Max were kissing each other. But this was them in their element. The colored photographs stood among the rest in black and white, highlighting a fact they knew all along-there is always a rainbow after the rain.

  
  
  
The End.   
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe I was lying. I guess I’d write some family fluff about the three of them and that little cutie Liam. But not now. I have two stories that I have yet to update. As always, thanks so much for reading!


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